apples and autumn

October 13, 2003

I’ve been dissolute lately, and only in the last few days have I been able to get any semblance of a routine back in order. I’m at a stage in my life where I’ve learned a few things about myself, learned a few ways to manage myself, and yet when I find my mood or motivation slipping I’m quick to despair. Always behind one or two days of lethargy is the threat that it will become something greater, and I’m afraid that I have no patience for it. I’ve made great progress on my own in conquering my personal demons – namely anxiety and depression – and the reward for this is continuing to work at it. I’m in a transition right now, from tight, fearful depressive me into calm, determined me. It is working better than I had hoped.

So today. Today I cleaned my house – rather halfassedly, I admit, but the place is sanitary now. I am watching a new movie, reading about Dancing Rabbit Ecovillage and a few minutes ago, I put on an enormous pot full of apples to simmer into sauce.

I am hoping that when J. returns from the racetrack (a key source of today’s anxiety) he will come home to a house smelling deliciously of apples, fresh and clean, to get some respite from the tension of the racing. He is both hopeful and afraid that this is the last race at I-70 for his family. Today, I wanted to build, subtly, an environment of comfort for him. And the building of it has comforted me.

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